


Love & Time

by xanster



Series: Real-Life Matters [1]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 02:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3751291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanster/pseuds/xanster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes love is not enough.<br/>Sometimes love takes time.<br/>And sometimes, it takes time to really find out what love is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Yunho runs his fingers down the other's spine, in his mind's eye, he records the feel of each knob as his hand makes its way down to the small of the other's back, wanting to remember it for eternity.

His other hand circles the other's waist, fingering the thin layer of cotton that separates the two.

He exhales softly, words unspoken, hanging in the air.

In the room, a heaviness intertwines with the coolness of autumn, a gentle dance around the two figures in the middle.

'How long?' Yunho asks, voice soft and tired.

Changmin does not answer. His head is bowed slightly, turned away from Yunho's, his back a shield between the man's penetrating gaze and his own turmoil

But their touches on each other are reciprocated; Changmin's fingers laced through Yunho's, a tightness that conveys more meaning than words could possibly express. A reluctance, a hesitance, an _unwillingess_.

'I can't ask you to wait. I won't.' Changmin responds quietly, after a lapse of a few minutes. The silence hangs in the air in between, lingering.

 _If you love someone, let him go. If it is meant to be, he will come back._ Yunho recalls this phrase from a book read a long time ago. Maybe it was a lyric, maybe it was a quote. He does not really remember. Its provenance is insignificant, but the meaning holds true right now, this very moment.

'I know. I can't ask you to wait either.' Yunho agrees, feeling his heart slow down. Each beat, aching at the impending goodbye.

Changmin turns around swiftly and throws himself into Yunho's arms, a desperate embrace, an appeal for a plea from the other. But nothing comes out of Yunho's mouth, just a pressed kiss against Changmin's ear, a deep inhalation in his hair and - silence-.

Finally, Changmin speaks, throat dry, eyes despondent.

'You haven't asked me to stay.'

Yunho returns his gaze with an equally broken one, holding Changmin tight, leaning against his forehead.

'But you won't stay either.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series was x-posted on my livejournal in 2014 and music had been specially chosen for the accompanying chapters. As such, it is hoped you can read it via -> http://xanster.livejournal.com/5614.html 


	2. Prologue

the first few days are always the hardest. with each minute apart, that becomes hours and then fill up into days. with the longing, the missing, the absence that grows. have you ever been in love and then torn apart; whether by will or circumstance; not knowing, never accepting?

changmin wakes up each day, a footstep less heavier than the day before but not that much lighter. his heart has been left behind on the rumpled bedsheets behind him. in the bathroom, he splashes water on his face and stares at his reflection; the other's image wanders in his mind.

\---

_'Good morning, baby.' A kiss on his nape, the other's way of a greeting in the sleep-filled morning. Changmin pauses halfway through juicing, smiling as he leans back against Yunho._

_'Good morning.' Yunho lingers for a moment before moving to the coffee-maker and flicking a switch to start the brew for Changmin. It has always been like this since they moved in together - Changmin making fresh juice for Yunho and Yunho, coffee for Changmin. A synchronised dance in the mornings. Then both move to the table where cereal and fruit await, Changmin being the heavier eater, Yunho eating from the spoonfuls Changmin pushes in his mouth._

_A shared shower and many kisses later, mutual approval of the other's dress for the day and a fond farewell at the door. Counting down the hours until they meet again at night at the same point, in front of the same home. As it has been, as it was._

\---

Changmin looks at the space beside him in the mirror. The absence of a familiar profile standing beside him, mouth covered with shaving foam, its emptiness a deafening echo.

 

Yunho glares at his surroundings, almost accusingly as though it is its fault that he is here. He pours himself a glass of juice from the fridge, it is too sweet for his taste. Changmin never added sugar to his juices in the morning. His kitchen is too big and quiet now. He even misses the smell of freshly-brewing coffee. He gets ready quickly, slipping on a shirt and jeans, not bothering to check if they were even coordinated. Who will I dress for now?

He stands at the door, a second longer than before. No goodbyes, and no see you laters. The solitary pair of shoes lying haphazardly on the doormat, when it would have been kept away before by another's habit for tidiness, seemingly mocking his aloneness. He slips them on and heads out, not turning back. When there's nothing there anymore.

 

\---

Changmin looks up at the night sky outside. Remains of another take-out dinner littered around him. His mind wanders again faraway to a distant speck in time. 

_I hope you remember to eat. If not, there's your gastric medication, where I always keep them._

He sighs, and closes his eyes. A dull throbbing where his physical heart lies, beating.

\---

A sliver of pain in his abdomen wakes Yunho from his trance-like state. He is ploughed over his desk, scribbling. He looks at his clock and realises yet again, that he has worked through dinner. It is almost midnight now. An apple from a concerned colleague and an empty mug that used to hold tea were all that sustained him from lunch. He tries to recall where he puts his gastric medication before he realises that he had left the packet at home. He shakes his head at his absent-mindedness and rummages through his bag to grab his phone to call a taxi. His hand find plastic first in the side-pocket and he fishes it out in puzzlement. It fades to pangs of hurt as he lays eyes on a medicine packet, one of many small ones stashed in various places,

_'where you're most likely to look'._

He hears Changmin's cheerful voice in his head but feels a searing pain in his heart.


	3. Alone Tonight

Yunho rushes out of his apartment, a quick glance at the time on his handphone, reminding him that he's running late, again. He hates it when he's late, but well, ever since.. he's always been late. Hardly on time. No one to yell at him in the mornings, making sure he was ready and on time.

He shakes his head and hails a passing cab.

Time passes.

His heart hurts less everyday.

Today, it's Dong Ho's hyung's party and he intends to enjoy it.

 

\---

Music, alcohol, and friends.

Yunho smiles. It's been awhile. There is even a pretty girl at the side who's been glancing his way.

Maybe.

\---

Autumn in Seoul.

Changmin shivers as a cold breeze ruffles the edges of his open coat. He pulls the sides closely together and hunches his shoulders against the night air.

He's back for a bit. Not sure how long though. Seoul holds too many memories, too much sadness. He remembers this path, this neighbourhood as clear as day. Even as it is night, even as it is dark.

He huffs.

It's been awhile.

\---

'Go on, bro. You deserve a shot.' Dong Ho nudges, with a playful wink in his eye. Yunho scowls jokingly at him before turning back to face the girl and straightening his shirt. He takes the flute of champagne that Dong Ho had kindly prepared for him and takes a deep breath.

 

_'Hey. I know this is really stupid. But do you know what you're standing under?'_

_It's Christmas 2010. Yunho fidgets slightly as he waits for a response from the slightly taller but drop-dead gorgeous, if not slightly cold-looking man facing him._

The man eyes him with - was it irritation? curiosity? interest? - and raises his eyes to the ceiling.

'Oh.'

He returns his gaze to Yunho, disinterestedly?

Yunho tries again, hopeful.

'Mistletoe.'

'Uh-huh. So?'

Awkward. Yunho tries to shrug it off and pretend that he has not just crashed and burnt in front of the guy he was trying to hit on.

'Uh, well people usually.. uh nevermind. Sorry.' He turns to leave.

He feels a tug and as his head spins, a pair of lips capture his. Sucking his bottom lip slightly. Yunho's eyes widen.

'I think you should ask for my name now.' The man is smirking as he pulls back, a glimmer of moisture on the corner of his mouth.

Yunho swallows. 'What's your name?'

'Changmin.'

  
\---

Changmin hears laughter from the sidewalk, bright lights and cheery music. He stops, attention riveted on the shopfront of a cosy-looking diner. It seems a party is going on inside. Suddenly he feels a little lonely. The lone hand in his pocket feels cold without its other half intertwined with it, keeping it company.

And then he spots a familiar face, a heartbreakingly familiar face. Thinner but the same.

The long black hair, wavy bangs framing that handsome face. Looks like he hasn't gone for a trim since.  
The heart-shaped mouth, curved upwards in the smile. His own smile.  
The almond-shaped eyes, twinkling, shining.  
The white of his teeth, polished by three-monthly visits to the dentist. Has he gone since.. then?

In the crowd, only him. And he was talking to a girl. A pretty girl.

His heart aches, a reminder that he still had one. That he could still feel. Pain that he had thought, that he had thought he had left behind.

She smiles.  
He smiles.  
He offers her a flute of champagne.  
She takes it, head slightly lowered.  
Giggles.  
A chuckle.

Pain.

Changmin gasps and spins around, eyes hurting.  
When you hurt this way after giving up something willingly, after so long, what did it mean?

\---

Yunho feels as though someone has been watching him. And curiously turns his head to the shop-window. He spots something vague, something that shoots and pulls and screams and wails at his soul.

He runs out of the shop, but the owner of that pair of big eyes, those eyes that could suck you in and see right into your soul; those eyes that sparkled in a mis-matched way and gazed adoringly up at him all those years; the owner is not there.

He looks down at his flute of champagne.

Ah. Culprit.

He turns his head and sees Soo Jin watching him, wondering why he had suddenly fled from her presence like that.

'Stop it, Yunho.' He tells himself firmly, as he walks back in. But he has a sinking feeling, like something is wrong. He fingers the ring that he wears around his neck.

Maybe he needs to take it off soon.

\---

Changmin sobs around the corner.

Clutching the silver band on the long chain around his neck.


	4. Serendipity

Soo Jin was lovely. But something felt incomplete. The memories, like a jigsaw puzzle with its parts shoved into place; the cracks visible.

She knew. The sadness in her eyes as she watched him look out the window and sighed. The fingers clenching into a fist as he passed by a familiar place or street. The reluctance to go beyond superficial levels of affection.

She had asked him one day in a moment of brokenness.  
'Do you like me?'  
'What do you mean? Of course, I do.'  
'Then why? Why are you holding back? We have been going out for a few months now. But it feels like.. I don't know.'  
'.. I don't know what you mean. I've taken you out, I've taken care of you. I don't open up easily, you know that.'

Frustration. He had walked to the door and paused, hunched. A heaviness in the room.

And then a quick back hug, fear of pushing him too far, bringing her close to him and sealing her lips but not stopping another crack from branching out on her heart.

'I'm sorry for questioning you. Take your time.'

He sighed again and held her arms against his chest. But funny thing was that, she didn't feel comforted.

\---  
Yunho's POV:

__

Changmin?  
Are you there?  
I miss you so much; I miss you still.  
Today, Soo Jin asked me if I liked her. I guess it was coming. She can feel it you know, feel my distance.  
My distance because as silly as this is, no matter what, a part of me is waiting for you.  
You're probably happy wherever you are.  
I know we promised each other not to wait, but my heart is being as stubborn as you.  
It would have been our anniversary today.  
I miss you.

Yunho carefully folded the note into half and slid it into the locked box which he kept in his drawer. After so long, the box was almost full. It contained his weakness; his brokenness; his sorrow. One day, he promised himself. He would burn the box or give it to Changmin. Or maybe his future lover. It would be the day he really had closure.

But not today, today wasn't the day. He reached for the soju on the side table, knocking over the frame on his table.

A picture of Changmin.  
A picture of him.

\---

-Changmin-

It was a week after he had seen Yunho but he felt better than he had been in days. He would be returning home in a few days. Away from the ghost of his past relationship, and he intended to spend it well.

Kyuhyun had texted him earlier about coffee in the afternoon and he was on his way. His mood was so good that he had even bought a red rose from a street stall on a whim. Maybe he would give it to Kyuhyun as a joke, as he mentally prepared himself for the punch on the shoulder that he would receive.

'Oof!'  
Changmin stumbled as he bumped into a girl around the corner.  
'Are you okay?' He bent down hurriedly to help her pick up the books that she had dropped.  
'I'm fine, thank you.' Came the response.  
He looked up at her, smiling. She was pretty, light sparkled in her eyes and her long hair fluttered gently in the breeze.  
He looked at the rose in the hand.

'Here, this is for you.'  
'Oh? Why?' A mixture of amusement and confusion.  
'A pretty rose deserves an equally pretty owner. And I'm sorry for bumping into you.'  
She laughed at that, nodding and taking the rose with thanks.

'My name is Changmin.'  
'Nice to meet you. My name is Soo Jin.'  
'Ah. Nice to meet you too, Soo Jin-sshi.' Changmin glanced at his watch and noticed the time. Kyuhyun would be kicking up a fuss soon. He bowed again at Soo Jin and walked away in a hurry.

\---  
Kyuhyun had already ordered him a coffee and was tapping his fingers impatiently when Changmin walked in.

'Sorry bro.' He said he sat himself down. Kyuhyun rolled his eyes before going into a spiel about the latest game he and his housemates were into.

The doorbell of the coffeeshop rang, signalling that a customer had walked in. Changmin's eyes lit up as he recognised the girl with the rose. He put down his cup, eyes bright. Kyuhyun noticed and turned around in his seat.

'Whoa. A girl. And she's pretty too. Not bad, Chwangs.' Kyuhyun muttered approvingly.  
Changmin groaned. 'Stop it. I bumped into her in the street. Oh she saw me. She's waving.'

He half-rose, waving back when he suddenly stopped. Soo Jin had turned to greet a man that had followed her into the shop a few steps behind. She tiptoed up to give him a peck on the cheek and waved again at Changmin.

Changmin swallowed, feeling his breath catch in his throat. Kyuhyun was also standing, looking with concern at Changmin.

He was staring straight at Yunho. Both of their gazes locked in a direct exchange. Soo Jin had walked to an empty table, thinking Yunho was behind her. She was now looking confusedly back and forth between Changmin and Yunho, wondering if they knew each other.

Kyuhyun broke the tension first, nervously pulling at Changmin's arm. 'Let's go, Changmin-ah. Come on.'

He was halfway to the door, just past where Yunho was standing, still staring at him. He broke the eye contact and looked at the ground, overwhelmed by the mix of emotions and shock that was whirling around inside.

Then just before he stepped out, he felt a hand tug at his free arm and a voice, a voice that was all too familiar, murmur softly, 'Wait.'


	5. If Only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter involves an imaginary conversation (see italicised words only) between Yunho and Changmin. Keep in mind that at this stage they are both feeling raw and tender. They aren't at the stage where they can have a heart-to-heart confrontation and thrash out issues. They have just met each other after awhile apart. As is the case when one meets someone meaningful from the past, this is the (italicised) words that they probably should have said to each other BEFORE separation; but did not. And thus, brings them to where they are today. 
> 
> P.S: The song (If Only) as x-posted on my livejournal is especially befitting to this chapter. Link in Prologue.

they sat, facing each other.  
two cups of formerly steaming coffee, soon turning cold.

'how have you been?' yunho asks, voice still, devoid of emotion.  
careful.

'i.. i'm okay. how about you?' changmin answers, voice shaky. he isn't sure. he should be out and far away.

kyuhyun sits near them, ready to pounce and drag changmin away the moment the other looks at him.

soo jin is at another corner, confused but teary. she isn't sure what has just happened but she just felt like she has just lost something really important.

\---  
_c: right from the start, the only mistake we made. in this story of the two of us. was that. we wanted more, too soon, too fast._

\---

where have you been all this while? yunho starts, heavy with the weight of the questions that threaten to spill out of his mouth.

changmin looks up, eyes wet.

\---

c- you seem happy.

y- changmin.

c- no, you are happy. you deserve to be happy.

y- changmin, stop.

c- i have to go. he gets up to leave.

yunho reaches over, and pulls him back down.

y- stop leaving. stop leaving me.

\---  
_y: if we had said all we had to say that day, would things be this way?_

\---

at least before you go. tell me. i loved you, i loved you with every inch of my being. damn it, changmin. tell me. why.

changmin swallows. it's time. he can leave after, he can keep the tears for later.

i thought it was best. what kind of love holds the other back? you were going to stay for me. you were going to give up your dreams for me. yunho. i had to let you go.

so you left me, just like that. without thinking twice. without hesitation. our story wasn't just yours to write.

aren't you happy now? didn't i do the right thing?

the right thing by what? choosing the easy way out then?

it was the best way.

the best way according to YOU. changmin, you had my heart. no, you **have**  
my heart.

a drop of sorrow falls from yunho's eye, making its way down his cheek and onto the back of his hand. changmin watches the teardrop, feeling it roll down into his own soul.

\---  
_c: if i didn't destroy with one hand; the things we built together, would you still love me the same? \--- y: i would love you, as you tore my heart out and broke me apart as you walked away, and decided to live your life according to your rules, i would still keep on loving you. as you smiled, laughed and cried; no matter how far apart; i would keep that love with me. as you carried my heart with you; that seemingly unwilling burden that you shoulder. i would choose to keep on loving you. as you wrote your own story, i would stand here, watching you from afar, and yes, i would love you still._ \--- 

strange how there they sat, the two facing each other.  
words unspoken, yet a conversation unbroken.

changmin's hand has turned cold to his touch. but he doesn't move away. his hand still in the other's.

\---

in the cafe that day, there were two looking upon two, two who loved in their own way; watching the two who still loved.

\---

in life; the simplest thing is to love.  
the hardest thing is to love in return.


	6. Second Chance

\---

The sun sends its rays softly down into the trees. the park, quiet, except for the rustle of the breeze.

Yunho looks over at his companion. His eyes are closed, soaking up the sun. it is silent, but a comfortable kind of silence. the kind that tells you that the world is good today, that the moment now, it is perfect.

But still, it has been a month already. And a dull ache inside Yunho's heart reminds him of what had been.

He sighs unknowingly and peers at the grass by his feet.

Changmin hears the sigh and props an eyelid open.

He knows. He had purposely chosen not to talk about it. Then. and then not yet. It just didn't feel like the right time.

But now, it seems, the moment was now.

 _We Love._  
Everything seemed okay. But the cracks, they remained. Light trails of the wounds that bled; that etched themselves deep.

_We Leave._

"I left because I couldn't promise you anything. I wasn't ready, Yunho." Changmin's voice comes out in a croak, and he swallows, clearing his throat.

"I know it's a fucked up reason to have gone and done that to you. I'm sorry. It's not enough, but I'm sorry. You were too wonderful, too good. I was just me, just me who kept snapping at you. Kept laughing at you. And yet you smiled through it out. Yet, you loved me."

Changmin sits up, leaning forward on his elbows. He sees a tiny dandelion in the grass, waving its head at him. He focuses on that instead of the presence beside him.

"How do you explain to someone that you were leaving because they were too perfect? Yunho, how? I'm sorry. I didn't deserve you. I hoped.. I hoped by leaving, you would find happiness."

_We Take._

"It was my happiness to find, Changmin. Not yours." Yunho replies softly. He trails a finger along his arm. "I was devastated for ages. Then I finally picked myself up. Went out, I met Soo Jin..."

Yunho's heart lurches as he recalls her teary face as they broke up soon after he had met Changmin and Kyuhyun at the cafe. She had no idea, no idea at all - that the reason he had not been able to give all of himself to her was because of the man she had bumped into on the street.

"He better be worth leaving your second chance at happiness for. And second chances don't come easy."

_We Give._

Changmin gets up and kneels down in front of Yunho, his eyes, teary. He grasps Yunho's hands with both of his and peers up at him.

"Look at me, Yunho."  
"I was a dick. I was young and stupid. I had all these.. these notions of what should be and what should have been. I forgot that in relationships, there are always two parties. Not one. I missed you. I missed you so fucking much. I came back.. I tried to forget you but I returned. I thought I saw you once, while walking on the streets. You seemed happy.."

And Changmin told him about that night he had spotted him at Dong Ho's party. How his smile was still as captivating as ever, how he then saw the cause of that smile; with Yunho as they chatted over champagne.

"So I left. You were happy.."

\---

**We Love.**

Yunho stares at him, memories of that night flowing back into his mind as he recalls feeling a magnetic call in his heart, as he ran out into the streets only to find nothing amidst a sea of strangers and city noises.

"Changmin. It was you that I felt."

The realisation falls like a bomb in between the both of them. That back then, although separated by time and space, two destined souls will always yearn for each other.

**We Leave.**

Changmin feels tears finally drop. All the months of separation, of loneliness, of darkness, of trying and failing to let go of the pain. Of ignoring and then finally gathering the courage to return to find Yunho. It seeps out into the clear drops that slide its way down his face and onto his shirt.

Yunho drops to his knees beside Changmin and holds his chin, thumb caressing his cheek as he gazes into Changmin's eyes.

He holds Changmin's other hand and raises it to his chest, just over his heart. Metal clinks as the twin rings on their fingers meet.

**We Take.**

"I want you to know, I never forgot you. I tried moving on, Min-ah. But how could I? When my heart was you?"

"But you didn't stop me from leaving, remember?" Changmin whispers, tracing a finger along Yunho's ring. Even though he had been the one to initiate the break-up, he had stung from Yunho's silence and willingness to let him go. It had seeped into his soul and coloured his insecurity. Even until now, as he kneels, facing the man he loves.

Yunho is quiet for a second. Then his lips quirk in a slight smile.

"When we get home, there's a box in my desk drawer. It contains all the words that I should have said, that I would have said, and that I will always say, to keep you beside me always."

**We Give.**

"My second chance at happiness. Be mine, again." Yunho whispers, as he leans in.

\---

The birds chirp. The breeze blows and lops the dandelion off its roots. The flower dances in the breeze; circling the entwined pair briefly before flying off into the sky.

  
cr: <http://stuffled.com/vector/flying-dandelion-love-hearts/>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first attempt at personalising the journey of love and time; something personal, something angsty yet something realistic. Sometimes, we can love too much; leave too early and keep quiet too often. I hope this story wasn't too confusing. Again, I encourage listening to the music that I chose for the series via my livejournal. Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> Previously published on livejournal -> http://xanster.livejournal.com/5614.html


End file.
